Monday, January 23, 2012

Schnoz Versus Baby

I want to get started writing posts again but I'm not sure how to dive in.  There's been some medical shit going down, and not in the direction I've expected.  I need a surgery on my nose to correct a deviated septum and some other issues.  This could double the oxygen I take in each day! 

I am mostly feeling really hopeful that I could feel better, more energetic, more well-rested.  It is also alleviating my fears that if I got pregnant and were not able to medicate when allergy season hit, I would not be able to breathe or sleep and I'd pretty much just die. 

It is really hard to accept that impending surgery means that we are not currently trying to conceive.  We've done soooooo much work to get to this point of both being on the same page, ready to go in trying.  This month could have been it, who knows.  But now I will be trying NOT to get pregnant, so that mommy can breathe through both nostrils and alleviate the constant pressure and ache.

Will I be smarter?  Able to concentrate longer, or, like, at all?  Well-rested?  Cheerful?  Will I feel like exercising?  Will exercising energize me instead of making me feel like crap?  Will I feel like cooking healthy meals and organizing my household a bit? 

Will my husband be able to care for me in the way I need post-surgery?  We'll be breaking new ground here.  I know my mother is awesome at care in these sorts of situations, but now I am a wife, so I guess we'll try out hubby-care.  Let's see if he can handle disgusting nasal things.

I look on Facebook and see former classmates who are the same age as me with two kids already.  Smiling in front of a massive Christmas tree or something.  I know comparisons are not helpful, but I feel behind, and I feel worried.  As someone with endometriosis, I probably should have been first in line for trying to conceive.  Instead, I dated badly for years, got a graduate degree, and after finally getting married and ready to go for it, I am putting everything on hold to tend to my stupid nasal passageways!  It is weird to think about being an old mom, a mom so much older than my own that it is like a completely different species of family life. 

I am worried.  I'm also a little angry that my very passive allergy doc didn't refer me to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor a year ago when it was clear my allergy meds were not helping me very much.  I could have had this all taken care of before baby-trying time.  That is something that is pulling at my energy that I just need to let go.  I need to accept that things did not go down that way.

Have any imaginary readers had nasal surgery, or had fairly old parents?

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