Monday, April 23, 2012

Back in the depths

My Sunday plans, wasted in an endo fog.  Didn't get the laundry or anything else done.  This morning, Monday, I wake up in pain and the painkiller fog.  How will it be possible to get this body to physically take a shower?  It is not possible.  Again, I force myself to forgive myself for this inability.  I let my boss know I need to take some sick time.  Again.  Then I can go slowly.  Then I can care for myself.  The hormones are making me sad -- a weird sad, where you know you're not really sad even though you feel sad.  I keep dropping things.  I always wish someone else could help me decide whether or not to take a pain pill, and when, or whether to just go for a half.  But no one else can say.  Now I am not on a pill but I feel so foggy anyway.  At Starbucks I decided I deserved one of those cute cake pops I had never tried before.  I imagine it's like holding optimism on a stick, with those cake pops.  I select a pale pink one.  It rolled off when I bit it and is now somewhere deep under my car seat.  I get to my office after much effort and I am the only one here.  Should I have taken a full sick day?  Is that more or less weird than making a stink about showing up at 11:20?  Has the worst of the pain come yet?  If it hasn't come, is it wise for me to have no painkiller in my system when the waters begin rising?  But how am I supposed to get any work done on painkillers?

This will pass.  It's the same boring thing every month.  Hoping for the worst of it to come quickly, because then it lets you out of its grip. 

No comments:

Post a Comment